Read Chapter One

CALMS – Five Simple Steps to Harmony

You want to do what is best for your baby, and like most parents, you’re not always quite sure what that is. Here are some tools that can help both of you to settle and feel more connected to each other. It’s important for parents to understand that these suggestions are not things to be done to your child, instead CALMS is a set of tools to
provide you with ideas about how to stay connected to yourself and your child as you learn to understand what it is your child is trying to communicate to you. CALMS is a way of being rather than a mode of doing.

To make this easy to remember we’ve come up with a memory aid for the five simple steps.

The word is:

CALMS

C Check in with yourself

A Allow a breath

L Listen to your baby

M Make contact, mirror feelings

S Soothe your baby

C ALMS: Check in with Yourself

It can be quite stressful when your baby is upset and you are not able to calm her down. Since a baby’s cry is meant to evoke a reaction, it is very normal to feel anxious and overwhelmed by your child’s crying. However, it can be much more difficult to calm your baby down if you are not calm. So, the first step in calming your crying baby is to check in with yourself, take a pause and identify your own feelings. Are you scared? Angry? Frustrated? Feeling helpless and stuck? Are your shoulders tight? Is your jaw clenched? Is your heart racing? The more in touch you can get with how you are feeling, the easier it will be to calm yourself down.

C A LMS: Allow a Breath

Once you have checked in with yourself, take several deep breaths and allow things to simply be just as they are in this moment. Don’t try to force a change. Trust that the change is coming. In the act of performing these simple steps, you are intentionally calming yourself down. Remember, your child is trying, in the best and only way possible, to communicate something to you about her experience. As you calm yourself down, you become more available to understanding what your baby is trying to tell you. Other ways of calming yourself down could include:

Having a glass of water
Looking out the window
Going outside for some air
Feeling your feet on the floor
Tightening and relaxing your fists

Getting to that calm place is doing whatever helps you to get grounded and back in touch with yourself. Sometimes it takes a few moments and many deep breaths!

Babies have difficulty settling alone; at this stage of life they really do need and benefit from your help. But it’s not always easy for either of you. Just a few moments of self care during such times can be just what you need to help you get back to a place where you can be more effective in helping your baby settle and feel safe again.

CA L MS: Listen to Your Baby

Now that you have checked in with yourself and taken a breath, it’s time to listen to your baby and to ask the question, “What are you trying to tell me little one?” Take a moment or two just to wonder what you think your baby is trying to say. As you and your baby get to
know each other better, the communication channels will become much clearer, your bond will get stronger and your child will feel more secure in relationship with you. It takes time and practice to get to know your baby. The sooner you start, the better. Just remember that this process can start at any age and it will work.

CAL M S: Make Contact and Mirror Feelings

Once you have done the first three steps of CALMS, checked in, allowed a breath, and listened to your baby, you are ready to deepen the interaction by talking to him. You can tell him that you are there with him, and mirror what you think he might be experiencing. For example, if your child is really crying hard, let your baby know you hear him and you see that he is sad or angry or frustrated or frantic. You could say, “I’m right here with you…. You are having a hard time right now…. I wonder if you are feeling frustrated or overwhelmed?…. I hear you. I’m here and I am willing to help you through this.”

It’s natural for many parents to jump right in instead and say,” It’s okay, everything’s fine you’re okay baby!” when in fact it’s not okay for the baby who is truly having a hard time.

In addition to mirroring your baby’s feelings this is a good time to tell your baby how you are feeling, too. For example, you might say, “Baby, you seem very frustrated right now. I’m concerned for you and I really want to help you; I feel anxious right now, too. I’m doing my best to calm myself down so I can help you.”

Mirroring the baby’s feelings validates, rather than denies them, and validation is important for a positive sense of self. Relationships grow from a feeling of validation.

CALM S : Soothe Your Baby

You’ve worked hard to check in, allow a breath, mirror your child’s feelings and tell your baby how you are feeling. Now that you are calmer and more connected to your self, your baby will be more able to receive and benefit from your comforting measures. Now is the time to do the rocking, walking, swaddling, breastfeeding and soothing that wasn’t working earlier.

At this point, your child may be crying even harder than ever. You may have experienced a time when your own deep feelings, acknowledged by someone else, resulted in an even stronger release of those feelings. Let your child know that you hear him and understand how upset he is. Know that you have done good work by listening, supporting and connecting with your child. You will find that once he has released his feelings and been heard by you, your baby may be ready for a deep, relaxing sleep.

Each time that you go through this process you will learn more about what your baby is feeling, and as a result you will know more about how to soothe him and help him through those hard times.

This kind of attention will teach your child that he is secure and safe in the world; this will establish a belief in safety in the core matrix of his developing mind and will empower him for the rest of his life.

Understand that even though you want to fix everything for your baby it is not always possible. Sometime she will simply have to have her feelings, which is actually a good thing. Being held, cared for, listened to and acknowledged by a calm, loving person in the midst of feeling intense feelings brings the nervous system back into balance.
What you can do is to be there and to let your baby know that you are trying your best to stay present and connected and to understand her.